Blogging Hiatus and Top 5

Hey errybody! I’ve started a partial program here in NY and am really liking my newfound recovery! Compared to inpatient treatment, this feels like FREEDOM!

In true blogging fashion, I’ve thought of a top 5 reasons why partial programs are better than inpatient stays:

1.) The staff is nicer! No more worrying about having to do an extra carb exchange if nurse 1 is on her period and being annoying

2.) We make our own meals! Watched by a nutritionist to make sure we have the right exchanges, we are allowed to cook our own food. I’m totally developing my chef skills!

3.) After 6:45pm, I can do whatever I want! Enough said.

4.) Fridays we get to cook a “community meal” with a 4 star trained chef (who is also our nutritionist). Afterwards we go to Wegmans to buy food for the weekend after planning all our meals.

5.) Saturdays and Sundays are truly FREE! Tomorrow my mom is coming up for some much needed RETAIL THERAPY! I cannot wait

Enjoy the weather <3

xoxo Ellie

A month in, and I’m still game!

Friday night I got discharged from my inpatient hospital stay in PA. I was there for 26 days, drank 104 Ensure pluses and made a lifetime of great new friends. I cannot begin to rave about the people I met, most of which am still in contact with. I learned much more about myself and developed a better relationship with my family. I have been home for two days they have been the best two days I’ve spent here in four years. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Yesterday, my mother, sister and I had a well deserved girl’s day. There was a blizzard but we still decided to make the half hour trek to Ithaca for lunch and shopping. We ate together at Ithaca Bakery still on barstools facing a large mirror. I got a bagelwich called the Sunrise Muy delicioso!

We then headed to the mall which was holding a bridal expo. My sister and I got fake nails which we are putting on tonight. Later that night after dinner, we made mini donuts together in the donut maker I got my dad for Christmas. Afterwards we had a family game of bananagrams which was the shizzz! I am content to be here at this moment

Tomorrow I leave for my partial program in Elmira. I’m nervous to start but happy to be continuing in my quest for health and happiness. I do not trust myself enough yet to not shave my meal plan eventually being home. I want to get ED out of my life because there are other people who deserve the space. I’ll try to blog more while I’m there.

xoxo Ellie

Cardiology and crying

I finally have made it into the EDU here. I got to the hospital yesterday afternoon and was there all evening. I spent the night in the cardiology unit because my heartrate is very low. I was also there all day and got to the EDU at about 3:00pm. I promptly fell apart and am really scared and disappointed right now. I want to cry and go back to my apartment. I am super full from dinner but I made it through.

Due to the fact that I didn’t get much sleep last night, I’m feeling extra emotional. I miss my friends from back home and want to talk to them.

I’m sad. I hope things get better.

xoxo Ellie

Day 1: Travel

I am leaving for Pennsylvania from my apartment in about an hour. My mom should be the one driving me down, but my dad is insisting on coming too. I don’t know why, I’m still never going to speak to him again so it will be a silent 5 hour ride. Good thing I charged my Nook and have some books to read.

I still feel like I’ve failed in life. I can’t even make it through one full year at school, a school which I love and worked so hard to get in to.

So NOT the way to live

I’m upset I have to break all the friendships that I’ve made, stop my Livefit, stop classe, stop living basically.

I wish they would have just let me “get sicker” as they said I was going to..maybe it would be easier for everyone…one less problem for them, one less stupid student taking up Cornell’s funds for people who actually matter.

I might document my inpatient stay on my blog, considering I have nothing better to do. It will probably get boring, or not depending on what happens, but most likely that will mean I’ll write down what we talked about in therapy, what meals are like (I’ll give them a restaurant rating and maybe find pics online….go creative me).

I’ll try not to complain so much, as I feel guilty for doing that too. I look forward to keeping up with blogs because I want to disable my facebook for a while as a detox, but still be somewhat cultured.

Time to face what all my bad decisions and stupidity got me and lose my abs getting fat. I think these next few months will be spent in prayer. God is the only hope left.

I don’t think I’ve been this miserable about something since my dad and I last spoke.

I’ll post tonight if I get a chance and maybe the post will be lighter(yup, my stomach wont feel that way) and more optimistic.

Everyone have a great day. CARPE DIEM!

xoxo Ellie

A secret cloaked in disappointment

I have a confession to make…I found out last night that I am taking a[nother] health leave of absence. It is techinically voluntary but only because if I don’t do this voluntary, then I will be forced to take an involuntary leave which is a minimum of a year off. I would like to get back to school in the Fall so that’s a no-go.

I’m still in shock and don’t know what I should do. I didn’t sleep much last night, I have horrible bowel feelings right now. I don’t really know where I am going from here.

Here are the basic facts I know:

1.) My doctor/nutritionist/therapist has been worried about my slow weight loss.

2.) After my last nutrition appointment, they became more concerned and tried to have me come back in. I didn’t have any time this week with my classes beginning etc. and so I semi-purposely ignored their calls/emails.

3.) My Doctor called my home, which was a huge mistake in that my father came to my apartment at 10:00pm two nights ago. I refuse to speak to him ever again. He doesn’t know when to stop talking and makes everything worse. I am not going home for a very long time.

3.) Last night I finally talked to my Doctor who told me if I didn’t meet with her and agree to take a voluntary leave, she would speak to the vice president and dean of students and force me to take an involuntary [year long] leave.

4.) I have an appointment with her at noon this afternoon to discuss what’s going to happen:

–A.) I cannot go home. We’ve realized my family [especially my dad and my mom when she's feeling nasty] are very big triggers.

–B.) I have no money to spend on this adventure, so that is one of the things we’re talking about today.

–C.) I don’t know where I will end up today, and I am going to ask her if I can take a temporary leave for like a few weeks.

I feel as if I’ve failed again and am an even bigger disappointment than ever. I don’t want to show my face to anyone. I want to live my life.

I like to workout, sweat, eat what I want, be free, NOT be in therapy that I feel is pointless. I want to be in school. I want to keep the friends I’ve made.

Sorry for the no pictures, but what pictures would really go with this blog anyway?

xoxo Ellie

Hello Cornell Semester 2!

I am TOTALLY taking advantage of the fact that I don’t have class or homework to do today till 11:10! Next week I will have an appointment at this time, so I gotta take advantage now!

I got some HIIT done this morning and didn’t wake up to an ALARM!

I am now enjoying my FAVORITE omlet in the world

 

bacon, cheese and XTRA onions!

and an apple

I was also able to get my FAVORITE coffee thanks to the Mom&Pop pantry which I am pleasantly enjoying as well.

Last night I was pretty productive (besides watching Lost episode 2…will I get addicted to this like I did to 24?!) and put up some more decorations for my living/studying room that A doesn’t use:

 

Oh and A is back! We went to Wegmans yesterday and talked a lot. I think we both are ready to have a great semester!

Well, I’m going to read blogs and be lazy till 11:00

xoxo Ellie

Time to get ‘r done!

This is my last Saturday of freedom before the Spring semester starts. I say freedom and have to chuckle because I’m doing laundry and writing down things I have to do before school on Monday before I go to work.

Today is also a much needed rest day! I slept from 9:30pm till 8:45am this morning. Not too shabby

A huge bowl of chocolate-almond overnight oats and I’m ready to rock and roll!

I’ve ordered my books [success!] but I then realized I will probably need notebooks too [fail!]

I’ve decided to only take 12 credits this semester, because I’m going to treat my appointments to stay healthy as another class (I have atleast three a week anyway) and I think this will be beneficial.

I plan to continue doing Livefit, although I’m not sure how my roommate will react to my doing HIIT on our stairs…oh well, she’s the cardio queen so she can hit the gym

I might commute home more often this semester as in weekends. Hopefully I’ll work Saturday night and Sunday morning. That way I’ll make some money and my dad can see that he saw me…I just hate his lectures that never end!

I’m in the mood for quesadillas…yum!

xoxo Ellie

Completely exhausted!

Today was a day of delicious eats, yet I felt really tired throughout my whole LiveFit workout

Not sure if that means it’s time for a rest day (or three is what Jamie Eason says) so I should change my diet up a bit more…

I’ve been trying to have a lot more protein and less carbohydrates (although I still eat a million bananas a day hahaha) but I know the glycogen in the carbs gives mucho energy so that may be why.

..or a combination of both haha

Breakfast this morning was new…but familiar.

I made Pistachio Protein Pudding and had a slice of Cookies ‘n Cream protein cake (The muffins I have made already, but in pie form

Lunch was a pea-chickpea-tuna-creamcheese bowl of deliciousness

I especially liked Alex’s post today about Kenyan Runners. I think they just love to run and have some desire many people put towards other passions excluding fitness. I’ll challenge them! Lets see who can keep it going longer, my reading, or their running

What do you do if you really feel exhausted during your workout (not the good exhausted!)? Do you stop then and go home, or just take a few days off? Do you lift lighter?

Oh! and in my political junkie news: SANTORUM WON IOWA! (by 34 whole votes!)

xoxo Ellie

Frats and some yum yums!

I can’t believe school starts again on Monday! I know many people have already started and I’m so glad I haven’t! I’m not ready for the rush of 12,000 students, sharing my apartment again, studying…or more studying.

I’m liking my routine of slow, easy reading while making $8 at the the library

To bring in the fall semester, Rush week began Monday with all the fraternities around me getting back into the action and trying to swing some new freshie recruits. I’m not sure how the sororities do it because I’ve never rushed, but they frats each set up a table in the gym underneath the gym I was pumping iron at yesterday.

It was kind of cool, yet kind of sad. I pray that I don’t read about more drunken nights in the Cornell Daily Sun. I pray no one falls of the gorge (or jumps) and that we all have a safe semester.

That said, time for some yummies of the day

Sweet Potato Protein Yogurt

I had extra time after my lift today so I made a few lunches for myself for the next few days, this is only one, but it smelled so good I should have just ate it for dinner tonight

Peanut Tofu Stir Fry

 

My first experience cooking with tofu; full update tomorrow

How do you feel about Greek Life? I’m not against it, it’s just not for me at all!

xoxo Ellie

A real sense of Self

I was casually reading an article in Self magazine today that interviewed Sarah Michelle Gellar. I wasn’t a Buffy fan, but I’ve seen Scooby Doo way too many times to count

 

She made the point that “I don’t know if I’m in “great shape”. I wouldn’t want to be known for that anyway, I’d rather be known for the acting that I do and if I was a great mom.

 

Puts many things into perspective.

Anyone read Self?

xoxo Ellie